A Giggle Or Thought For The Day!

[Kathryn]

Here is one for all of my Dieting Diva Sisters, thought you would enjoy this one!
Hugs, Kathy

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story).

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Target won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[Discount Diva]

This made me laugh so hard! It reminded me of the times I would hold up the line at the grocery store to talk to the clerks, right after I became a stay-at-home Mom. It seemed they would see me coming and try and avoid eye contact - I realized I had a problem when the clerks would suddenly "go on break" when they saw me in line ---twice.

Sarcasm is wasted on the unimaginative; meaning = not writers.

~Shaunna

[domesticdiva]

Oh my goodness!!!! That is hillarious!!! Did you really do this????? I have had a very hard day at work and this was a nice thing to come home to. Thank you. :o)

[Kathryn]

No, cant take the credit for this one.....someone sent it to me in email so I just sent it onward.....Take care of you!
domesticdiva said:

Oh my goodness!!!! That is hillarious!!! Did you really do this????? I have had a very hard day at work and this was a nice thing to come home to. Thank you. :o)

[Kathryn]

Many of you by now know that I attend a "REAL COWBOY CHURCH" in Lufkin TXs. and we are a very loving, loyal bunch so when I came across this giggle I felt led to share it...I know we have all known a preacher or two like the one below...Happy Trails, Kathy

The Cowboy in Church

One Sunday a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly,

"Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay.

[Kathryn]

Here is a one liner I think is TRUE!!! Wonder if God makes "Skinny" Angels, I am told the "Cloud Cookies" in Heaven are yummy, dripping chocolate and totally calorie and fat free.....Any thoughts Diva's???

. GOD MUST LOVE CALORIES BECAUSE HE MADE SO MANY OF THEM

Discount Diva said:

This made me laugh so hard! It reminded me of the times I would hold up the line at the grocery store to talk to the clerks, right after I became a stay-at-home Mom. It seemed they would see me coming and try and avoid eye contact - I realized I had a problem when the clerks would suddenly "go on break" when they saw me in line ---twice.

Sarcasm is wasted on the unimaginative; meaning = not writers.

~Shaunna

[Kathryn]

Flea for Your Life

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his life and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”

His son asked, “But what happened to the flea?”


Heck don't worry son they all ended up here in East Texas!!!!

[Holly Helscher]

I am laughing so hard that I'm about to fall out of my chair. This is great since I've been up since 2:30 working on a budget which is due Wednesday - me not being retired and all that. So I decided to procrastinate a bit by looking at what's up lately with discussions. I'm glad I did. It will keep me laughing all day.

[Kathryn]

Glad you enjoyed the giggle! Here is another to keep you company with those budget WOES....

Driving in Texas

An El Paso policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had just won $50 dollars in a city-wide competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"


Holly Helscher said:

I am laughing so hard that I'm about to fall out of my chair. This is great since I've been up since 2:30 working on a budget which is due Wednesday - me not being retired and all that. So I decided to procrastinate a bit by looking at what's up lately with discussions. I'm glad I did. It will keep me laughing all day.

[Barb]

Giggle or laugh for the day -

My Mom is visiting. Her sister passed away the beginning of April. Mom is 82 and her sister recently turned 80. I didn't make it home to my Aunt's funeral so I've been listening to lots of different stories. One of her funnier stories was this one. Talking to one of her nephews and looking around the room at the people she asked "Where did all these old people come from?"

[Kathryn]

Okay Ladies, Heres another giggle for you! Texas Diva's you will love this one!

A young pastor decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs andmaking notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Phoenix , Salt Lake City , Denver , Oklahoma City, and around the United States , he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Texas , upon entering a church in Dallas , Texas , behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call.

Why?"

I love this part................



The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now ... You're in God's Country, It's a local call."

American by Birth - A Texan by the Grace of God.

[Barb]

I read this story a few years ago. That last line read "Son, you're in Wisconsin now...You're in God's country. It's a local call."

We moved here 21 years ago. Not by choice. I hated living here. Every summer I'd dream of going home. That is until winter. Then, I loved calling our friends back home and talk about sitting out on the back patio in my summer clothes. Soon, the job will end and we're free to move about the country once again. Or are we? Our grandchildren are here.

I love your comment at the end Kathy "American by Birth - A Texan by the Grace of God."

[Barb]

Oh Kathy - I've wondered where you have been. I've missed you. I should be writing this over on "stressed out Mom" - It's just been one of those very bad no good horrible rotten days. I needed a good laugh. I pray you weren't serious about what you wrote here. I'm pulling out the ammunition, my CD's. Get some praise and worship music going. I think the song "Put on the Garmet of Praise for the Spirit of Heaviness" would be a good choice right about now.

I found an online class that is changing my attitude. It's called "Making Age an Asset In Your Job Search". Off to put my notes together and turn in my first assignment.

Kathryn said:

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called Lifeline...

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal...

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...