Over 50: Do I say I do--or I don't?

[Catherine Rain]

Hello Divas!

I'd love to invite discussion on the topic of remarriage in midlife.

Some of you might have gathered that I am hot and heavy on this topic right now, working on a self-help book titled Remarriage in Midlife: 10 Things Women Over 50 Should Think About Before Saying I Do for the Second--or Third--Time!

I've invited women to share their stories and experiences. As a midlife woman who took the plunge yet again, I can honestly tell you that my priorities in midlife were quite different from those I set as a young, twenty-something, first-time, bride.

This time around, it wasn't important for me to think about family planning and the number of kids I would or wouldn't have. Rather, I wondered and worried how my new husband and I could manage five kids between us, some of them adults, others passing as adults, and a couple more far from the age of true reason.

It wasn't important to think about career planning or how to buy that first couch or diningroom set. Yet it was critical for me to ensure that I wouldn't lose net worth or security in old age, because I'd made an ill-thought decision to join my assets with those of another.

And face it: fantasy is fun, and there is a place for that in midlife marriages (and beyond!). But having a good friend, a companion, someone who was interested in spending time with me, even if all we did together was crossword puzzles on Sunday afternoons, was far more important than wining, dining, dancing, and romancing the night away.

What about you? Have you been there, done that? Glad you did, wish you hadn't?

I've put out a call for remarried women (or women contemplating remarriage) to share their stories. The call has gone out on my website and blog page (www.midlifeventures.com), as well as through Cassell Communications (a writers' resource network), and recently was picked up by Blogher. If you share your story, I will use it anecedotally in my book as well as include the full story in the back part of the book, with credit and by-line given to authors.

Share your story. If you are interested in being included in the book, email me at [e-mail] and I will send Guidelines!

Thanks, Divas!

Catherine

[Barb]

Catherine - Good subject. My husband and I will celebrate 34 years this year. Remarriage is not something in "my" plan of life. But, God may have other plans and I may find the info in your book useful someday. Just wanted you to know I've read your call for stories and will pass this on to others that have remarried. Best wishes. What's your anticipated publish date?

[Catherine Rain]

Barb said:

Catherine - Good subject. My husband and I will celebrate 34 years this year. Remarriage is not something in "my" plan of life. But, God may have other plans and I may find the info in your book useful someday. Just wanted you to know I've read your call for stories and will pass this on to others that have remarried. Best wishes. What's your anticipated publish date?

[Catherine Rain]

Hi Barb:

I don't have a publishing date. I am submitting the proposal to Jean Ann. I'd sent her the idea last year for the G2G series, and am back at it. My husband and I own a business together, and the economy hit us earlier than other industries. I had to dive in last year, and help out. We're back on track, business-wise--and I'm back onto my new life! Thank you for responding. Look forward to hearing from others!

Catherine

[Kathryn]

Hey Catherine:

I re-married at the age of 42 and while the last 14 years have not always been easy I guess over all it was a good deal for me. Yes we both had teenagers ( we both had 17 year old girls) and then there was his 18 year old son and mine of 23. We dated for 3 years and all the children decided for us "it was time" lol other wise I am not sure we would be here today. I had been blissfully married to my "first love" for 17 years when in 1992 he was suddenly taken from our lives. I did not think I would ever have another "Prince Charming" and in truth Darrell is probably more of a frog, but he makes me laugh and truly I can confide in him anything and he never "Ribbit's" at me....His calm, easy going way compliments me, as I tend to be over focused and perfection is my daily word....He has taught me that love is truly unconditional and though I sometimes dream of a "single life" style, where my world is "always my way" .reflecting back I know Darrell was God's gift of balance in my life...

Thanks for giving me a voice to feelings I was not even "really" aware of until I put them on paper...

Hugs,
Kathy

ps: By the way ladies "Frog's get cuter with age and they do tend to grow on you" and then theres the saying FROG(Fully Rely On God) so must say "Thank's God" for my Frog!

[Catherine Rain]

Hi Kathy:

First, I want to thank you for sharing your personal story and views. Like you, I find myself thanking God for my husband every day. He, too, has provided a lot of balance in my life.

We dated for 7 years, living 75 miles apart (150 round trip!) and between us, we have five sons. My three are grown and gone from home, he has twin boys, age 13. We married four years ago, and life is more than interesting! Crazy and chaotic as well (especially when you take into consideration, I am the only one in the family without some form of ADHD. I think our two male dogs "caught" it, too).

Sometimes I feel like I live in a jock strap, what with all of these guys around. Other times like we all belong in Bellevue. But more times than not, I am truly thankful for all the joy and new learning my husband and all of these boys have brought and taught me.

Our foray into remarriage in midlife (I was 52 when we remarried) had its downside, as we all made huge and significant adjustments (considering we both lived the single life for several years before saying "I do"). However, we did a lot of pre-planning and tried to address as many "issues" in advance as possible, such as finances, support of our children, wills and insurance for the benefit of each other and our children, as well as household rules and regulations.

For example, I am more than happy to support my husband's relationship and frequent contact with his sons--it is developmentally necessary for the boys as well as Dad to complete this life stage cycle, if everyone is to stay "mentally healthy".

However, I did not want to "ground-hog-day-it" again. Meaning, I didn't want to replay my earlier life as a "mom". So, since Dad had been Mr. Mom when the kids were in his custody before our marriage, guess what! He needed to continue that role after we were married.

Sounds simple, but it isn't always. Try cooking two sets of meals at the same time in a kitchen, or divvying up the laundry. After awhile, some things just congeal and join together as one; others have had to remain separate, so that it is a Dad and Kid thing, not a Me-thing, jumping in to save and/or take care of everyone.

Thoughts anyone?

Warm wishes, Catherine

[Barb]

Catherine - I can't wait to read your book.

"So, since Dad had been Mr. Mom when the kids were in his custody before our marriage, guess what! He needed to continue that role after we were married" - Sounds like my attitude as a grandparent. When the parents are here with their children in my home and their kids need to be disciplined or want something to eat I leave it up to their parents.

Was thinking about all the seniors that migrate to the warmer areas of our country that I'd bet you'd get a few good stories from. There are a lot of seniors that go off together. Some remarry, others don't. I look forward to reading your book. I see you as a tour guide I may need for a road I may travel down some day.

[Catherine Rain]

Barb:

Gee, that reminds me of all the rules I have--maybe I'm too "ruled-out" (pardon the pun). Because my grandkids belong to their parents, as well. In fact, I have one grandchild who likes to pick up after me (that kid can stay as long as he wants!). One of my sons told me he and his wife are thinking of relocating to our neighborhood so when they have kids, Grandma can enjoy them fully and up-close.

Uhh....I don't think so. I love them all, but been-there-done-that (just like with my twin stepsons). I'm trying to help my adult kids understand I may have the title Grandma, but I'm running 2 businesses, have lots of activities and interests, keep the gray covered, and try (T.R.Y.) to keep the pounds off--grandma-with-a-lap (or a grandbaby-on-my-hip) I'm not!

I like the Sr. idea, Barb.

Tour guide, huh? Sounds like another book--got to go down one road first, and it is an equilibrium-rocker--but often for the best, when all else fails.

Warm regards, C.

[Barb]

There was a house in my in-laws neighborhood that went up for sale when our kids were young that was just the type of home I dreamed of living in one day. Price was right. $55,000 and was on a small lake. The only problem with it was it was 100 miles from our work. My Mother-in-law said "too close". I've always regretted we didn't buy it and figure a way to find a way to make a living based from there. But, that was before the days of internet and being able to work from home.

I've gone down many roads in life I never planned to. Some I wish I would have had a tour guide to lead us. I know I need to write out our story. Someday. . .

Talk soon - Barb

[Catherine Rain]

Good morning Barb--maybe it's afternoon--I think it is, according to my computer. We took off for the weekend--too many voices clamoring for our attention, needed some time and space. Its funny how time evaporates when we aren't "clock-watching".

I guess in thinking back, "too close" could work if everyone understood limits and that we each have new roads to follow. Working from home, via internet and email simplifies life and living decisions--as long as we understand we must pack it in at the end of the "work" day and return to our personal lives. Sometimes that is hard to do, when the rest of the world is only a click (rather than a car ride or journey of some distance) away.

Why don't you write your story, as a memoir? Besides being a writer, I am an analytical thinker (gained from a job I hope one day to describe as "my former job"). I always find when I write honestly, I see the threads, and understand the reasons why I chose certain paths--sometimes with a "tour guide" at my side who led me to believe his path was my own. See if you can find that inner guide, the one that lives in your heart and soul. I bet she's been knocking at your door for a long, long time.

Got to go pack up and head back to the house, and try to take some of my R&R to heart and soul, myself!

Fondly, C.

[Barb]

Our weekend is just beginning. My husband currently works a compressed work week so we consider Monday/Tuesday to be our weekend. For the past ten years I've been fortunate to be able to work from home or work in the office. Just depends on where I'm needed most. It's a struggle at times. Especially with so many people with demands on my time. Our family of six has grown to seventeen. (2 of us, four kids, four spouses and seven granddaughters). Whew! If a job opened up back in the midwest I'd be packed up and moved in a flash. But, it's these seven little girls that keep me here. I don't want them to grow up a thousand miles away from Grandma. I've often wondered what life would have been like had of we been able to have raised our kids near their grandparents and other relatives. But, the job wasn't there and after searching almost two years for work we found ourselves a thousand miles away. Summer vacations traveling up and down 35.

I've been fortunate to have met a businessman that has allowed me the flexibility to be where I'm needed. As long as I meet the deadlines I'm fine. I've made my schedule so I work before the day begins with the little ones or while they are at their Mother's Day out. With Grandpa around on Monday and Tuesday that helps a lot.

Twenty years later we're back to seeking out new employment to finish out the last few years before we "retire". I don't ever plan to quit working. I'll always be busy doing something. For now, time to help my granddaughter make a lemon pie for her Dad and some peanutbutter cookies. Better get a move on.

Talk again soon
Barb

[Catherine Rain]

Hi Barb:

Seven granddaughters--how wonderful!

Sounds like there is something pulling you back to the midwest? As I get older, I find myself wanting to go back to the places where I grew up. Yet, my oldest son and his children live here, and I have reason to believe my other two sons will either live in this area in the future, or always consider it "home". Moving away, back to the quiet of the rural life especially, is tempting. But, I wonder how realistic it is to consider such a move away from my children and theirs?

Midlife--whether we are discussing remarriage or other life transitions--is definitely a time of push and pull. In fact women who make successful midlife transitions, often find themselves returning to their girlhood dreams and fulfilling them. Have you ever read any of Gail Sheehy's books about midlife? One is called New Passages and the other Sex and the Seasoned Woman (although the book is not so much about sex, as finding passion in life and fulfilling our girlhood dreams, so don't let the title dissuade you from reading it, if you like to read).

Catch you later, C.

[Barb]

Love to read Catherine. They sound like some good books. I'll have to check out.

It's pretty unrealistic to think of moving away from the grandchildren. Few years ago I got started on the "Ahead to 80" plan. It was a teaching series we listened to at the office on "Time Traps." Can't remember the author's name, but what stuck with me through the years was to back into where you want to be when you're 80. What you'll be doing and who you will be doing those things with. That was an easy visual since both of our Mom's were 80 or close to it. We refer to my Mom as being like the Energizer Bunny. Always on the go, always busy. This year she caught a plane in North Carolina after breakfast and was in Seattle by bedtime. When I caught up to her this spring at a friends home we couldn't go to lunch until after she washed her friends floor. "Oh just take a minute." she said. Her friend is no longer able to clean her home. My Mother-in-law on the other hand is content with puttering around her home and doesn't venture much further than the grocery store and church.

Two very different types of personalities and I want to be like both. Currently I'm trying to figure out how to maintain the lifestyle to keep me here in the home and not put me back in the corporate world. Grandpa's job is coming to an end later this year so I'm busy looking for ways to reinvent him and keep him out there as the main breadwinner. He gets kind of discouraged looking at what is out there. Maybe time for him to stay home and for me to work outside the home?